The King's Church in Ilford
The following is the text of the talk given on 29th April by Robin Hawkins
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"How To Divorce-Proof Your Marriage!" TKC - 29/4/07
Reading: Matthew 5:31-32; 19:3-12
Family life is under incredible pressure today as secular agencies are compelling us to accept same sex marriages on a par with biblical marriage of a man and a woman. In 2005 the divorce rate in the UK was 50%. One reason for this is that people have become more concerned about their rights rather than their responsibilities. The ex-wife of our next-door neighbour once justified her leaving her husband and two children on the grounds that she had a right to be happy. Other reasons include unrealistic expectations of easy and sustained happiness, lack of parental support and models, decline in religion, Whatever the reasons, the statistics speak for themselves. The basic building block of our society - the nuclear family - is under threat as never before.
Over 25% of us here at King's have been affected by divorce, and for most of those the damage is done, and the marriage is irretrievable. So to come here this morning and hear me teaching about the permanence of marriage is in danger of making some of you feel rather condemned. So I want to say this right at the beginning. I do not believe Jesus' words were intended to condemn us. Anyone who's been through the pain of divorce would not wish it on anyone else. We'd prevent it if we could, and Jesus' words here are intended to prevent divorce.
What we have to realise is that the church has a dual role in this area. On one hand we have a prophetic role in society to make a stand for the permanence and the sanctity of marriage. On the other hand we also have a pastoral responsibility to bring forgiveness to those who have tried and failed to sustain their marriage; and to bring healing, restoration, and the chance of a fresh start. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin. Let's not treat it as such. On the other hand, let's ensure we do all we can to avoid it happening to us.
Moses permitted the Israelites to divorce because of the hardness of their hearts. It was a concession, not a command as the Pharisees suggested. Deut 24:1 says: "If a man finds something indecent about [his wife] ....". Much debate went on as to what 'indecent' meant. Rabbi Shimmei led a school of thought that claimed this had to be some serious sexual offence like adultery. Rabbi Hillel took a much more liberal view suggesting that divorce was OK "for any and every reason". This could include gossiping in the street, burning the toast, or losing her looks.
In Matt 19, the discussion about divorce arose because Jesus was asked a question as to whether a man could divorce his wife for any and every reason. In reply, Jesus tells them Moses did indeed permit divorce because their hearts were hard, but that it was not that way from the beginning. And He takes them back to Gen 2:24 "For this reason a man shall leave his mother and father, and be united with his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."
So Jesus raises a standard for a very high view of marriage:
a) It is a life-long relationship between one man and one woman.
b) It requires them to leave their parents, and set up a new family unit, and the husband and wife's primary responsibility and loyalty is to that new unit.
c) It requires a uniting and personal commitment of each to the other.
d) It requires consummation whereby the two become one flesh. This is more than physical union. It is a spiritual union where two people are joined by God, symbolised by sexual union.
I would add that the marriage ceremony needs to be a public affair so that the rest of the community knows that this couple are now married, and therefore no longer available.
So the ideal is that man should not separate what God has joined together. It is not only God's ideal for a strong human society, it was to be a picture of the 'mystical union between Christ and his church'. Every time we look at a husband loving his wife, the wife honouring her husband and coming under his headship, it is an object lesson and reminder to us of how Christ loves his church, her response to Him, and their irrevocable committed to each other.
So when God says in Malachi that He hates divorce, it is not only because it undermines our understanding of Christ's covenant love, but also because of the damage and pain that it causes - not just to the couple themselves, but to the children, the wider family and the community. If you were at Alpha you'll have seen this illustration of what happens when two people joined by God in marriage are torn apart. These two pieces of cardboard are stuck together. When we tear them apart, bits of one get torn off and left on the other. It's messy and very painful. No wonder God hates it, but it's not the only thing God hates. He hates violence, unforgiveness, bitterness, a proud heart, and a lot of other things.
Only where there is extreme misconduct can marriage be dissolved. Much debate has gone on to understand the meaning of 'porneia' the word from which we get 'marital unfaithfulness'. It would certainly include adultery, but it must go further than that, or Jesus would have simply used that word. In 1Cor 7, Paul included desertion as further grounds for divorce - and he must have felt this was entirely consistent with Jesus teaching. One commentary, for which I have a lot of respect, looks at all the biblical texts on this subject, and asks whether there might be other exception clauses. What about violence in the home? Is it all right to divorce your husband if he commits adultery, but not if he tries to kill you? The article concluded that divorce appears to be permitted if it prevents a worse evil taking place. The prophetic side in me is not entirely comfortable with this conclusion. Adultery and desertion are clear-cut as being in the Word. To go beyond this is the thin end of a thick wedge. However, the pastoral side of me becomes more and more convinced that there are some very gray areas in this whole subject of divorce. Christian leaders vary in their understanding of these issues. Some take a very strict line. Some a more liberal line.
I can't possibly address every question raised on this whole subject in half an hour. I want to finish by giving some practical suggestions to make our marriages divorce-proof.
Sadly for those already divorced, it's too late, and we can't turn the clock back. So we need to focus on forgiveness. We must choose to forgive the former wife or husband for the wrong they did to us. It may well be appropriate to ask their forgiveness for our part in the break-up. The fault is very rarely all on one side, so we should seek God's forgiveness as well. We need to take those hurts, the anger and bitterness to the Lord. By His grace we can find healing, and learn to let go of them.
Some will feel it right to remain single - especially if you were previously married to a Christian. Others may feel they can re-marry. Be careful. Make sure the issues in you that contributed to the first break-up have been properly dealt with and addressed. Otherwise, you'll simply carry the same issues into your new marriage.
Those of us who are unmarried or divorced, learn to see the single state as a blessing, not a curse. There's tremendous pressure in our society today to be married. But in the NT, many deliberately chose not to marry, so that they could be more focussed on serving the Lord. In 1 Cor 7, Paul commends the single state for just this reason. He doesn't forbid marriage. He says if you want to get married, that's fine; and if you want to stay single, that's fine too. Be at peace in the state that you're in.
But for those of us who are married, we do need to work at, and invest in our marriages to keep them strong. If you start experiencing difficulties, get help early on. Don't be too proud to get help. If you're at the point of contemplating divorce, do everything you can to seek reconciliation - even now. God can restore loveless marriages, but you need to be willing to give yourself to it 100%. Spend time communicating with each other. Learn to listen. Repeat it back. Make sure you've understood what the other is really saying.
If they're indifferent to you, try to discover the love language of your spouse. How do they like to be loved?
Do they like kind affirming words?
Do they respond to lots of hugs and kisses?
Do they like lots of little presents and surprises?
Do they like you to do things for them, to serve them?
Or do they appreciate quality time with you, talking together?
How do they like to be loved?
Start loving them the way they like to be loved, and tell them the way you like to be loved - and see what a difference it makes. It may be hard to start with - especially if your spouse has become cold towards you. But the Bible says, "If your enemy is hungry feed him, if he's thirsty, give him something to drink, for in doing so you will heap burning coals on his head. Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."
Divorce was permitted to the Israelites because of their hardness of hearts. However, the gospel solves the problem of our hard hearts, and hence divorce is no longer necessary. We have the solution to the breakdown of family life in the message of the gospel. It won't come to us auomatically. We have to determine to build our marriages on its principles. But when we do, we'll be able to model strong marriages to the world around us; and it will be a powerful witness, to the different quality of life that we have in Jesus.
[Lead into time of ministry for healing and grace in this whole area of divorce recovery, singleness, strengthening of marriages. Make Jesus Lord of this area of your life.]
And their expanse is declaring the work of His hands. Psalm 19:1